


Saturn Gardens

by Eveenstar



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Obsessive Behavior, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Slow Burn, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eveenstar/pseuds/Eveenstar
Summary: It has been three years since your beloved boyfriend, Loki, died. You've closed yourself from the outside world, and as numb as the weeks go by, one day you receive a strange call from Natasha Romanov, your friend, and by whatever will, you decide to go meet her after two long years. What you were not expecting was to see a familiar face back from the past, and ready to haunt you in the most terrible ways.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	1. Since you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the beginning of my new fanfiction series called Saturn Gardens! Pardon me for any English mistakes, it isn't my first language :) Hope you enjoy!

Your fingers calmly slip through the book pages you're reading. The faint light that escapes through the clouds and into your bedroom provides enough light to see what you're reading. Not that it matters anyhow, your mind is somewhere else. Somewhere distant, old and familiar. Somewhere you wished to be right now.

Your lips met the cold glass of wine you've been drinking for the past twenty minutes, and your gaze drifts to the large landscape in front of your eyes. The sizeable windows made it possible to see almost of all the meadow and the trees in the background, some people would contemplate this beautiful view, but you thought it felt _lonely_. _Empty_. _Voidless_.

A soft and pale mist had fallen upon the land due to it being early hours in the morning. No birds were singing, no animal was in sight, just you and the current book that lays in your hand. You'd grown to enjoy silence, but this silence was _restless_.

Sighing, you stood up from your white chair and placed the glass of wine on the table. Dressing your Indigo blue robe, you made your way to the kitchen. This would be the second time you'd leave your bedroom since you woke up, first one was to get wine. What would your mother say to you, if she saw the horrible state you were in?

_"You look like a widow, for fuck's sake (Y/N)!"_

That's because you are one, indeed. Or were you wrong? You and Loki never married, even though you'd spoken about it a few times. This house, this stupiditly huge and modern mansion, was all that was left for you. Tony Stark offered it to you and the trickster God, according to him as a "offer of good will and peace" but it was honestly because your previous home burned down and you didn't have the money for another one. Tony, as the rich friend of the group, decided to be a gentle soul and get it for you.

You opened your fridge, which used to be filled with all kinds of food, but now there's barely enough for dinner. Your stomach is empty, it craves for food, but your heart is too heavy to think about it. Your feet felt chilly on the black mosaic floor tiles, and it reminded you that you aren't wearing any socks. You glance down to your feet, your mind drifting off once again and you lose track of the time you spent staring down.

The black tiles are ice cold and hurt your feet, they decor the floor of all house, minus the bathroom; in which the floor's tiles are white instead of black. Sometimes you get tired of the colour pattern; Black and white.

In the walls, in the floors, in the roof...Sometimes it was too much, sometimes it was too little. Maybe you should repaint them. Maybe you shouldn't.

Loki complained about them sometimes, he said they should be green and golden. You had no idea if he was being serious at the time. He never was much for decor, he said he wanted you to decor it at your taste; he'd love anything you love.

He was always like that.

He was.

_He is like that_

"What should I eat today, love?" You whispered to no-one. Your eyes shifted to the kitchen's balcony and stared at the Narcissus flowers on the small plant vase. Narcissus flowers are native to Europe, Asia and North Africa, there's more than 100 species of the plant and they were one of Loki's gifts to you. They are some of the first to bloom in the early spring, announcing the end of winter, which you found incredibly cute in a way. They came from the Greek word "Narke", which meant _numbness_ , and ironically how you felt right now.

They also symbolize rebirth and new beginnings. Was this the Universe sending you a message? Telling you that it's finally time to move on?

You dragged your feet to the couch and drowned yourself on the pillows. Everything felt cold, no matter how many lays of clothing you'd wear, it felt cold nevertheless. Maybe it was coming from inside you, the emptiness had consumed you to the point nothing warm would take that effect away.

Your phone rang, and rang, and rang. You grunted and covered your head with a pillow, hoping to muffle out the annoying sound. But it didn't seem to stop no matter how much you tried.

So you finally answered it.

"(Y/N)?"

_Natasha._

"(Y/N)? Can you hear me?"

_Yes. I'm still here._

"(Y/N), could you please come by the Avengers tower? We need to talk, it's important."

_Why?_

"Please, " She pleaded, "Come meet me."

You looked at your phone for a while once silence remained. It seems neither you or Natasha knew what to say to each other. The silence remained for a long while that you even had doubts if she was still on the call.

"Do you want me to order something to your house? Are you in need of anything, (Y/N)?"

_Yes._

"Do you know who you are?"

_Yes._

"Do you know where you are?"

_Yes._

"Do you want to keep living this way?"

A sudden sound woke you from your thoughts and startled you. Your eyes scammed the living room and saw there was no sign of threat, then you took a glimpse of your phone's screen.

_Natasha - Call ended 10 minutes ago_

Great, you were hearing voices now. How quite. She did asked you to go by the Avengers Tower, didn't she? Maybe you should go. It's been almost three years since Loki died, and two years since you closed yourself from everyone and everything. It's been a while since you've stepped foot outside your house or your lands.

Again, you dragged your feet relutanctly to your bedroom and stared at the mirror. The reflection of yourself was sad, to say the least. How did you break down so easily? How did you allow yourself to break this way?

"Do you think I should go, Loki?" You asked in a whisper while staring at a empty spot of the room. Silence.

"You're right." A tiny smile formed on your lips, "As always."

Your body always worked in autopilot. Even if your mind was somewhere else, your body took a shower and grabbed the first outfit in hand. Your hands were cold, once in contact with your skin.

_Wet and cold like an abandoned dog in a rainy street._

You frowned slightly at the thought and realized you were dressed, heavens know for how long. Did your mind wander off again? Great. It has been like this a long while, no matter how many pills or medication you took, you began to forget things. Names. Places. Memories. It's like your body wasn't your own anymore, just a robot moving in autopilot. You wrote down notes about your favourite memories with Loki, as you didn't want to forget them. You missed his (surprisingly) warm hands, his deep grey eyes, or his charming smile. You missed running your hands through his hair while you both layed in front of the fireplace, books in hand.

You grabbed a framed picture of the Avengers together and noticed a strange detail. Your face was blurred out. You blinked once and twice, but it didn't go away. Was it always like this? Maybe it was and you forgot. Maybe a photo error, or it's simply dirty. Just that.

Placing the picture down, you stared again at a empty spot of the bedroom, "I'll be back soon, my love."

Your steps felt heavy on the floor, like no matter how much you'd walk, the exit door seemed to be distancing itself. By the time your hands grabbed the door knob, you were out of breath. I-just-ran-a-marathon out of breath.

The wind outside was refreshing, in a way. It felt different, lighter even. You closed your eyes to feel the breeze blow through you, just for a single moment. Then you heard a bird sing, just on top of the tree in front of your house. You weakly smiled and waved at it, then you entered your car.

The trip to the Avengers Tower was quiet and peacefully calm. Leaving your house, you didn't notice the dark silhouette standing on the living room's window, watching you from afar or the strange amount of ravens taking shelther in the same tree of the singing bird.


	2. In the cold of the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up back in your bed, with no idea how you got there in the first place. With a foggy mind, you notice that strange things are happening around your house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I've been so excited to write this series. It's going a bit slow in the beginning but I promise from chapter 3 things will began to get serious! Can you guess what is happening in (Y/N)'s home?

_Loki knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring, his eyes focused on yours and you felt everything stop around you two._

" _Marry me, (Y/N), " Loki said softly, grabbing your hand on his. "You'll never have to be alone,"_

_You smiled, you smiled as if you didn't remember this never happened. Tears covered your vision but it really wasn't tears, you weren't crying, but everything slowly began to get blurry. You felt yourself fall, as if your own soul left your body and fell into abism. Loki's voice echoed in your mind._

_"I love you and that's all I really know."_

You woke up in a harsh gasp, hands sweaty. You were met again with a cold house, now dark due to how late in the night it should be. Not even threads of light escaped through the blinds, nor you could recognize where anything in your bedroom should be.

Turning on the bedside lamp, you pushed yourself from the king-size bed and grabbed your forest green robe and dressed it, glad that at least it's somewhat warm.

_Wasn't it blue?_

The bedside alarm clock read exactly 3:30 AM, and you felt a sudden deja vu. Lately, you've been awaking up at this exact hour of the night, for no other reason than strange dreams.

You decided that a nice cup of milk would suit this situation, as you recalled that your mother used to say that "milk helps the sleep" and even though you doubted that affirmation of hers, anything now would feel better if it meant to help you close your eyes and drift off to another world. Your feet felt cold against the floor tiles, and again you forgot to wear socks (even though you were sure you wore them the day before, for one reason you know couldn't think why).

As you poured the milk down on your plain white mug, it finally accured to you. Yesterday's call with Natasha and the drive trip to the Avengers Tower. You ran a hand through your hair and frowned slightly, everything afterwards felt like a distant memory. Foggy and confusing. How did you end up in your house, in your bed? How did you forget? Probably from the lack of sleep you've been getting lately.

Maybe you should call Natasha.

Ignoring how late it was, you pulled out your phone and noticed it was dead. Sighing to yourself, you put it to charge while you left to explore your house and re-make the steps you probably took when you got home the day before.

Your clothes were all messed up in a chair, your shoes looked like somebody threw them across the room and didn't bother to get them, otherwise everything else looked in place. You paced back and forth, getting a bit impacient at your lack of remembering such things.

The flowers.

The Narcissus flowers.

Where are them?

You grabbed the empty flower vase, which used to be filled every week with beautiful flowers picked from your personal garden. The house withhold a tense atmosphere, heavy as the rain that falls from the dark clouds. The pale-coloured brightness that the kitchen's lamp provided a ball of light around you, like a little angel was protecting you against the darkness and you hoped it not to go away.

Your body was frozen in place, you didn't even realize you weren't breathing until a hrash exhale left your lungs and the flower vase fell from your shaking hands, into the mosaic floor.

You ran to your bedroom as if a big, bad monster was chasing you and quickly closed the door. You blocked it with a chair and turned on your phone, which was fortunately (and the luckiest you've been in a good while, most likely) charged enough to call someone.

"(Y/N)? It's 4 am, are you okay?"

"Something is wrong, Natasha, I, I can't remember anything."

"What do you mean?"

"Can you please come by my house?" You heard her grab something, "Please..." you whispered.

..."And that's when I called Natasha." You finished explaining and took a drink out of the cup of water Steve gave you.

"How long has this been happening?" He asked, a worried look on his blue eyes. Natasha, who was sitting next to him, carried the same look.

"Few days, weeks I suppose." You looked in between both of them, and guilt took over you. "I'm sorry, it's silly."

"Hey, don't say that. It's completely normal." Nat caressed your arm sweetly. It felt good to see her again, even though it was only yesterday when you two met. She looked exactly the same as three years ago, but she had a different aura around her. Sadder, darker. Steve had it too.

"Hey, (Y/N), it may not be the best time but...There's a therapy group I know, and maybe it would be good if you take a look at it." Steve suggested, his arms crossed and a deep look upon you.

You gazed to the ground again, "I'll think about it."

"I just think something's weird here, " Natasha said, "You never ordered Narcissus flowers to your home."

If this was another situation, you'd laugh at it. But Natasha was serious, and you knew it. The Narcissus flowers don't grow in your garden, and you followed a specific order of plants to buy every week, and they weren't in the list. They never were. Not after Loki's death.

"I probably ordered them by mistake." Play it off. Act cool. It's nothing, it has to be just a simple mistake. You got confused and ordered them instead.

"If you feel safer, we can get somebody to protect your house. Just for good measure." Steve took the mugs and cups to the sink, and didn't miss the chance to give another helpful advice like the good friend he is. You pondered on it for a while, and you could enjoy the company.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Natasha, who was staring at you again, opened her mouth to say anything but you got ahead of her first, "Well, thanks for coming but I need to get a couple of hours of sleep. Sorry for bothering you guys."

"You would never."

You walked them to the front door, and Natasha pulled you in a surprise hug. You didn't even know how to react. It's been so long since you've had human touch.

She pulled back, and you swore you saw a tear in the corner of her eyes. Those tears that come at the most unfortunate moments, where you can't most definitely break down. Natasha hid them well, not from you, because you too know that trick. Never break down, never show weakness to anyone or anything. The woman gave you a calm (but you knew the pain behind it) smile.

"Call us if you need anything else, okay?"

You nodded and replied with a vague smile back.

The hours passed, passed and passed. The clouds in the sky were as heavy as your soul felt, and soon they began to cry out. The rain slammed against your windows and warned about an upcoming thunderstorm was on its way. Spring felt more as a Winter 2.0 and in the blink of an eye, it was eight o'clock.

According to one of Natasha's texts, a security guard would arrive at ten AM. Until then, you prepared a nice breakfast for you (and for the guard, you wanted to be as kind as possible). Thanks to Steve, who brought enough food to last for at least a few days, you didn't have to worry about starving now.

You, relaxed for once in a lifetime, made your way to the couch to hopefully watch some pre-recorded tvshows. You were too lost in your thoughts that you didn't notice how in all framed pictures of yourself, your face was blurred out.


	3. Narcissus Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seems to go well until your security guard says something he wasn't meant to know about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling at my lowest but couldn't wait any longer to publish this. Enjoy!

_Empty_. You felt so empty inside. No matter how much food you consumed, it was never enough. Never enough to make it go away. The tvshow was long forgotten and merely reduced to background noise, something to make you feel less lonely in this black and white house. The clock on the wall kept making noise, reminding you how slow this day has been passing by. 

“Thank you, miss.” The security guard that Natasha had sent to “protect” your house was nice enough to chat, and he even ate the food you prepared for him. You chatted for at least twenty minutes, about all kinds of stuff possible. For once after years, your house wasn’t cold anymore, instead, a cosy warm sensation had replaced it. 

“It’s no problem.” You kindly smiled at him, placing the coffee mug on the table. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember asking for your name.” 

“Jackson Sullivan. I’m a newbie on this job, it’s my first time actually.” Jackson replied while drinking from his own mug. 

“And they sent you to deal with the crazy widow? I feel sorry for you.” You chuckled and arched your eyebrows slightly. 

“You’re not a crazy widow, miss (L/N), you don’t have the at least ten cats nor do you live in the middle of the mountains.” He added a cheeky comment at the end, which wasn’t probably that funny, but the caffeine made you laugh like Jackson had just told you the funniest joke in the world.

“I hope I didn’t bother your day with sending you here, it’s probably so unnecessary since there’s no actual threat.” You began to clean breakfast’s dishes. You watched as the water made contact with your skin, chilly at first but quickly numbed out. Shaking your head softly, you put those thoughts aside for now and focused on the task. You had to control your zooming out from now on. 

“Not at all. You’ve been very welcoming since I’ve arrived.” 

Should you ask for his number? Go on a date? No, you’d be too hasty or desperate. You barely know this guy and he just came here to work, maybe later. After all, you didn’t need love right now. 

A raucous and screech sound was heard, blocking you from your thoughts. Something had striked against your kitchen’s window, a raven. Jackson, for security measures, had his gun in hand while you two ran outside to see the bird. Even if the sunlight blinded you for a few seconds, it didn’t stop you from running to the house’s backyard and hope to still save the bird.

_“It’s just a bird, love.” Loki comforted you. His voice was always so soothing and calm, like a beckon of light in the middle of the night. “It was his fate.”_

_“His fate was to slam against a window and_ **_die_ ** _?” You frowned, clear tears streaming down your cheeks. Your boyfriend, however, did not share the same compassion as you did, but he carried a tender warmt in his eyes._

_“The Universe has its ways.” He simply replied, and took the black raven from your hands, “We’ll give him a proper funeral.”_

“Miss (L/N)? Ma’am?” You stared at the grass, then you looked around, even at the window. There was nothing here, not even a single feather, nothing. Did it fly away? Or maybe it was never here at all. You took a deep breath, and from the corner of your eyes you saw Jackson inspecting the grounds and surroundings. “There’s nothing here.”

“You heard it. We heard it. Something slammed against my window.” If you were alone in this precise moment, you’d think you were hearing things again. Your mind playing tricks against you, again. But no, you are not alone, you’re in the company of a security guard named Jackson Sullivan, and you both heard and saw a black raven hit against the glass.

“Maybe it flew away, right? What other explanation is there?” He asked, his eyes meeting yours before you looked away. Something else catched your attention, something in the garden. Ignoring the guard’s callings, your feet moved towards the white flowers blooming. 

_Narcissus flowers._

“Your favorite plants.” 

You turned around and raised an eyebrow at Jackson.

“What did you say?” 

“Beg your pardon, miss?” He looked confused, as if those words didn’t leave past his lips right now. Besides everything you two spoke about earlier, you didn’t mention those flowers to him, nor that they were your favorites. 

“How did you know they are my favorite?” 

Jackson seemed to stop and think for a brief minute, before glancing a charming smirk at you. “Captain Rogers told me about it, he thought I should order those flowers for you.” It’s almost as if he was trying to please you, to be as convincing as he could be.”

“Steve?” You took a step in his direction cautiously, not letting him out of your sight. “It was Natasha that handled your assignment here, not Steve. Why would he tell you that?” 

“I was lucky enough to cross paths with him.”

The conversation wasn't pleasant, but you didn't know what to do about it. Should you ask for another security? Maybe the story he told was true, but you weren't naïve. It had a plothole. Were you, in fact, onto something though? Maybe you were bored, looking for a cheap adventure to occupy your mind.

Your hands slowly caressed the photograph you held, taken five years ago. It showed Loki and you hugging each other, you were smiling and your boyfriend didn't seem to notice the picture being taken at all. His eyes were upon you, in the most sweet gaze you could ever imagine; he preserved that look only for you. Only you could that side of him. The vunerable, loving side.

Loki wasn't the face everybody painted, no, he was your golden boy.

But then it all fell apart. The grief you felt was overtaken with emptiness over time, your mind still didn't accept Loki was dead. How to accept it, if it seemed like yesterday that he was here? The memories were still so alive, so vivid. Like his presence still lingered around. You denied the fact that he was gone, you wanted so desperately for this to be a horrid nightmare.

For you, it looked like the last time you spoke to him was this morning. Then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone. Slipped from your grasp just like that. That's how the universe works, you suppose. People fade away as quick as the last time you saw them. One moment they're here, the next they aren't. It always happens to the people that less deserve it, ironic is it not?

Suddenly, your phone ringed.

"Hey Nat, how's it going?"

_“Hey (Y/N), just called in to check in on you and also warn you that the security guard I assigned to you called sick early morning, so another one will replace him.”_

“What? That’s impossible.”

_“What do you mean?”_

"He's here."

_"Ralph Williams?"_

“No, no. Jackson Sullivan.” 

You heard her speaking to somebody in the background for a few seconds, before she got back at you. 

_“(Y/N), I’ll need you to play as cool and normal as possible. We’re going to your house right now.”_

“What? Why?”

“ _Listen to me,"_ Natasha said, her voice tune was worrying the soul out of you, “ _Jackson Sullivan doesn’t exist._ ” 

**“Now, now. It’s not pleasant to talk behind your husband’s back, darling.”**


End file.
